Practice Makes Perfect: What Are You Perfecting?

Practice makes perfect.  How many times have you heard that phrase in your life? From the time we were small children trying to learn how to play the piano, throw a baseball, or ride a bicycle we have heard that if we practice long enough and hard enough we will be successful at achieving our goal.

I remember when I was about 5 years old trying to learn how to stand on my head.  I would practice for hours until one day, to the horror of my mother, I mastered the feat while she was shopping in very upscale women’s clothing store. When she came out of the dressing room, there I was in the middle of the store standing on my head with dress hanging down, my legs were straight in the air and my Carter’s underwear in plain sight for everyone to see.  Although my mother was less than thrilled at my achievement, I had proven to myself that practice actually does pay off.

My success with standing on my head is an example of very conscious and intentional practicing.  It is the kind of practice that we put forth when we want to master a specific skill or behavior.  We have a goal, we know what the end point to looks like, and we work hard to achieve that objective. 

Yet, each of us has a whole other set of skills and behaviors that we have perfected that we may not be totally aware of.  These are habits and actions that, through unconscious repetition, have become ingrained in our way of being.  For example, one of my habits is to automatically say “no” to new ideas unless they are mine.  It is an automatic response that, until recently, I practiced almost daily without being aware I was doing it. 

It’s what I call unconscious practicing.  I was repeating, thus practicing, a behavior which was making that behavior stronger; yet, there was no real intention on my part to do this.  However, through my continuous practicing I got pretty close to perfecting the “no” response which obviously is a very annoying and useless skill to perfect.

What unconscious habits and behaviors are you perfecting?  Do you sabotage yourself by procrastinating?  Do you keep yourself overly busy in order to avoid issues in your life?  Or do you make a lot of great plans and then come up with a thousand reasons why you can’t do any of them? 

We all have thoughts and behaviors that sabotage how we truly would like to live our lives.  The key is to become aware of what they are so that we can start putting our energy towards dismantling them, not feeding them.   Practice, in of itself, will make anything stronger.  So, we have to add the component of conscious awareness to ensure that we are focused on perfecting the things in our lives that we want to perfect, instead of perfecting useless and sabotaging behaviors.

The last time that you failed, did you stop trying because you failed - - or did you fail because you stopped trying?  Unknown

 

 

Be The Change You Want to Be

The following words are said to be written on the tomb of an Anglican Bishop in the crypts of Westminster Abbey in London, England.  They are a great reminder to all of us that the only person we need work on changing is ourselves.  If we are the kind, compassionate and contributing human being we are seeking in others, the world will automatically be a better place. 

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When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country.

But, it too, seemed immovable.

As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it.

And now as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realize: If I had only changed my self first, then by example I would have changed my family.

From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country and, who knows, I may have even changed the world.

 

"Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be."  – Thomas Kempis

Setting Intentions, Getting Results

How many times have you come away from a meeting or a conversation thinking, “That didn’t go very well”?  Maybe you didn’t get your point across as well as you would have liked.  Maybe you lost your cool and got off track trying to prove your side of the argument.  Or maybe you just zoned out and didn’t participate in the discussion at all.  

You can go into an interaction with the highest of hopes; but unless you set specific intentions about how you are going to interact and what specific goals you want to achieve, chances are the outcome will not be all that satisfactory.

What does it mean to set an intention?  The first thing to understand about intentions is that they are about you, not the other person.  We only have control over ourselves, so our intentions need to be about how we want to act, about what we want to say and about how we want to feel at the end of the interaction. 

Here are some sample intentions you might set before going into a meeting with a difficult person:

§  I will state my point clearly using “I” statements and not get sidetracked by any emotions that may arise.

§  I will listen to the other person carefully to hear what they are truly saying, not what I think they will say.

§  When I feel myself losing my focus, I will take 3 deep breaths to calm and re-center me.

§  After the meeting, I will not spend time going over everything that I should have and could have said.

Setting intentions does not guarantee success, but the process of clarifying what you want to get out of the situation greatly improves your changes of a positive interaction.  It also empowers you.  You are no longer reacting to the situation. 

 

You are now proactively responding from a place of confidence.  You are better able to articulate what you want to say because you have let go of your expectations of the other people involved; and you are better at listening and hearing what they have to say because you not spending time planning your next defensive move.  You are no longer there to defend yourself.  You are now there to be yourself.

Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.  Mary Anne Radmacher

 

 

 

The Tale of Two Cities

Do you ever wonder why 2 people can have such different perspectives about the same situation?  What makes one person see all the good and positive, while the other person only seems to be able focus on the negative and the bad?  What causes this difference? 

Zen teacher, Cheri Huber has a wonderful saying that goes, “The quality of your life is determined by the focus of your attention. 

That means if we focus our attention on all the things that are wrong, then that is all we are going to see; and we will come to believe that world is a bad, dangerous and ugly place in which to live.  Once we have that belief we will continue to find bad things to validate our story. 

On the other hand, if we focus our attention on the good things, the things that are working, our perspective of the world will be entirely different.  We will see it as a friendly and beautiful place and we will focus our attention on finding more good and beautiful things to validate our belief.

Where do you want to focus your attention?

 

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The Tale of Two Cities:

A man was walking down a long and dusty road. He had been travelling for days.
He came across an old women sitting near the side of the road just outside of an upcoming town.
He asked her "What is the city ahead like? Are the people there nice?"

The old women asked "what was it like where you came from?"
He said "It was beautiful and clean and the people were great"
"So shall you find the city ahead." the old woman responded.
Happily the traveler went along.

Awhile later another lone traveler on the same road approached the same woman and asked her, "What is the city ahead like? Are the people there nice?"
The old women asked "What was it like where you came from?"
"It was despicable, dirty and ugly and the people where horrid!" exclaimed the traveler.
"So shall you find the city ahead." the old woman responded.

Stepping Into Your Courage

One of the most common statements I hear is, “I really want to do X, but I just don’t feel like I have the ability, time, resources or the right to spend time doing it.  To me, the words, ability, time, right and resources are just code words for fear.   When we want to do something that’s a little scary or out of the ordinary we come up with all sorts of excuses to mask our fear.  Our fear can stem from trying something new, from the possibility of disappointing someone, from taking too much time for ourselves or from the realization that we may not be successful.  We talk ourselves out of doing what we want because we aren’t sure how to deal with the fear.

The antidote to fear is courage.  I am not talking about heroic, pull someone from a burning building kind of courage.  I am talking about a more quiet kind of courage.   I believe that everyone has all the courage they need to do whatever they want to do residing inside them.  The trick is to connect with that courage, to become aware of where it resides in you and how to tap into its strength.   Courage doesn’t necessarily make the fear go away, but it does allow us to move forward with our life and do the things that are important to us.

Is there something you want to do, but find yourself having trouble taking that first step?  If so, here is an exercise you can try to help connect and build your courage.  These are relatively simple tasks, but I think at least some of them will elicit some fear.

1.    Take a new route to work.  

2.    Listen to a different kind of music.

3.    Wear something that is completely counter to your normal dress style.

4.    Talk to a stranger on the street or bus.

5.    Eat out/or cook a ethnic meal that you have not tried before.

As you do this exercise pay attention to what kicks up for you. 

1.    What are the voices telling you? (This is dumb, I don’t have time, This is too easy, etc)

2.    What is happening inside you both physically/psychologically? (Do you feel fear?)

3.    Did you complete the task?

4.    If so, how did you feel?

5.    If not, what got in your way?

Each time we step out and do something that pushes our comfort level, we become more confident in ourselves.  Our courage grows and we are not as handcuffed by fear.  We see how fear works and once that happens, fear loses a lot of it power.  When that happens we get our life back.

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.  You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror.  I can take the next thing that comes along.’  You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

Eleanor Roosevelt

And Then.......?

I read this story a long time ago and just came across it again a few days ago.  It’s a wonderfully ironic example of how hard we think we need to work to make ensure that we end up with a simple and relaxing life.  I hope you enjoy it.

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A boat docked in a tina Mexican village.  An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American,

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children and take a siesta with my wife.  In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar and sing a few songs,  I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have a MBA from Harvard and I can help you!  You should start by fishing longer every day.  You can the sell the extra fish you catch.  With the extra revenue you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?" asked the Mexican.

"With the extra money the larger boat with bring in, you can but a second and a third boat and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.  Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant.  You can leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles or even New York City!  From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?' asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty five years" replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards?  Well, my friend, that's when it gets really interesting," answered the American laughing.  "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!

"Millions?  Really?  And after that?" said the Mexican.

"After that you will be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish. take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

Slow down and enjoy life.  It’s not only the scenery you miss by going too fast – you also miss the sense of where you are going and why. – Eddie Cantor

Are You Ready to Jump into Life?

I have talked with several people this week who are feeling stuck in their lives.  They can describe what it is they want to do, but they can’t seem to take that first step toward their dreams.  It seems like the older we get the more difficult it is for us to jump into our dreams. What is it about leaving the safety of our known world that is so hard for us?

As adults, we have spent many years developing a specific set of skills. Whether we are a lawyer, teacher, accountant, or parent, we have worked hard to gain the expertise needed to succeed in the world; and for the most part, we feel safe and secure in what we do.  Our world is a known entity and it is comfortable. Yet, sometimes it's actually having too much of this comfort that creates feelings of restlessness and disinterest in us.  It is then that we start looking around for something new to do or try.

We create visions of changing jobs, starting a new hobby, pursuing a life-long dream, etc.  We become excited and the possibilities seem endless.  Then reality sets in.  As appealing as embarking on a new adventure might be, the prospect of being a beginner and stepping into uncharted waters without knowing exactly what will happen stops many of us dead in our tracks.

We find ourselves feeling scared and uncertain and we retreat to the safety of our known world.  However, we then may begin to feel discouraged or angry at ourselves for not being able to make the leap, and that just compounds our feelings of uncertainty and frustration.  We begin to feel boxed in and we don't see any obvious way out.

So, how does one break out of this vicious circle?  One way is to get in touch with the feelings of power and invincibility that you had as a child.  Go to a playground or park and watch the children play.  Notice how they are always trying to do new and harder things. Notice how they dare each other to go higher and faster.  The world is totally full of possibilities to them.  They see no boundaries and they have little fear.

Think about all the crazy things you did as a child and all the dreams you had for your life.  Get reacquainted with that energy.  Then ask yourself, "What is really stopping me now?  Where is my fear coming from?"  Listen carefully to your answers, and take some time to address the issues that come up.  Then think about ways to integrate all the energy, enthusiasm, and passion of your little kid with the resources and skills of your successful adult.  This incredible combination will allow you to achieve almost anything.

Remember to start your journey with small steps.  Often times we jump into the deep end way too soon and our ultimate fears of not succeeding become a reality.  Step off the lowest edge first.  Allow yourself time to get used to the new experience.  Become aware of your feelings, both the joy and excitement and the fear and the uneasiness associated with being in a new space.  Use your support system to encourage and inspire you when you are feeling shaky, and make sure they are there to help you celebrate your successes.

With each step you take you will push your edge further out.  Your world will become larger and more exciting.  You will have new experiences, meet new people, and learn new things about yourself.  The world, which at one time had felt so confining, will now be filled with unlimited possibilities of adventure and opportunity.  You will have a renewed sense of passion and enthusiasm for your life. You will be living the life you truly want to live.  All you need is just need enough faith in yourself and the process to take that first step.  You can do it!

 

Come to the edge.   No, we will fall

Come to the edge.  No, we will fall.
They came to the edge.  He pushed them, and they flew.    Guillaume Apollinaire